What It Is

Step parenting usually brings its own special difficulties as the new step parent is caught in the middle between the children and the biological parent. precisely how much difficulty you may meet depends upon a whole variety of factors, the most important of which will be the degree of co-operation you receive from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.

The key to successful step parenting is to be found first in clearly establishing your role with the biological parent as you are certainly going to have an uphill struggle if the two of you are not fully in agreement from the outset. As with any changes in a relationship though you also have to appreciate that adjustment takes time and you will need to adopt a ’step by step’ approach. An attempt to rush things, or to push the situation, will unquestionably lead to frustration and even confrontation. The biological parent could well feel threatened by the need to share parenting responsibilities and will need to have time to adjust and to acquire confidence and trust in you as a parent to her or his children.

Your next step will be to establish your position with the children who, unless they are very young, will usually resent being guided by an ‘outsider’. You will have to take things gradually and accept that the children will need time to adjust to the situation before they will accept you in the role of a parent. Once again, you will need the assistance of the biological parent in building your relationship with the children.

A successful transition into step parenting must start with a clear and frank conversation with the biological parent, during which each party need to talk freely and honestly about how they see their role, and that of the other party, and you must both reach a clear agreement on just how you ought to share parenting responsibilities. This conversation also has to set clear boundaries but need to be flexible enough to allow for adjustment, particularly in the critical first few weeks and months after the establishment of this new relationship.

This initial conversation will not of course be the end of the matter and several such discussions will have to take place before any really meaningful and lasting change in parenting responsibilities can take place.

Once you have reached agreement the next step is to get the children on board and this must initially be led by the biological parent. At the right time everyone should sit down together and the biological parent has got to lead off a discussion during which the plan which you have come up with can be given to the children and discussed with them.

At this point it is important to emphasize that this needs to be a real discussion and not merely a matter of the parents ‘laying down the law’ to the children. It is vitally important that the children have a say in to the conversation and that their thoughts and views on what you have agreed are listened to. Children, just like adults, must be permitted to have a feeling of control over their own lives and need to feel comfortable with the situationthey find themselves in. This is not to say that the children must be given control over the situation, which should remain firmly in the parents’ hands as the final decision makers, but, every effort has to be made to make sure that they understand the situation and that they are as happy with it as is they can be.

The mere fact that the children are able to see that their parents have obviously considered the position very carefully, and are in agreement about it, will go a long way towards preventing the children from playing the parents off against each other and their inclusion in the process will also help considerably in getting them on board.

Becoming a step parent can be very hard for not only the step parent but for the biological parent and for the children and everyone will need to work together slowly and take their time to establish an environment in which everybody is able to live happily together.